Sunday, January 17, 2016

reality check

I think the worst thing about depression is how easily it's able to convince you that all the positive moments you've experienced aren't real. It sneaks its way in and wraps itself around all the good things you have. All those "I love life" moments where you question how you could've ever felt depressed in such a wonderful world - it takes those away from you. You're left feeling like this depression is your reality; nothing exists outside of it, just you and it. 
Sometimes not even you - it can even convince you that you're not real.
Depression is seriously the most persuasive demon.
But I've realised something, and it's become sort of my sword against the demon:

I'm more real than it.

I am me. I am Aubrey Danae Pacheco. 
I love making my dinner while pretending I'm hosting a cooking show. 
I get super excited when I see a dog out in public. 
In elementary school id draw myself wearing pigtails and crop tops with bell bottoms even though I've never worn an outfit like that in my entire life. 
Sometimes I read scary stories late at night even though I know I'll freak out when I hear a noise in the hall. 
I have great friends and an absolutely amazing family. 
I am supported. I am appreciated. I am loved.
Even without these things I am real. I am a single human in this universe on my own journey and I am real.

So is my depression. It's very real to me, but it will never be more real than me.

This is MY life, not its.

I am more real than it.

. . . 

I wrote this a few days ago after a particularly shitty episode - after speaking to my brother and really getting a chance to say things out loud, I had a little epiphany: 
I've always been pretty open about depression and all that, but part of me has been so against really showing everything, and I've realised why lately - I love that people think of me as this bubbly and positive person, so I was scared to show anything that would ever change that view of me. I strive to be a very positive and happy person, and for the most part I am, but that doesn't mean I can't have lows y'know? I define myself, not my depression, and I am a happy & positive person who has learnt to be that way because of those shitty moments, and that's not something I want to hide.

xo, Aubrey

Saturday, January 16, 2016

back to it... maybe?

Here's the lowdown:
I initially started blogging to create some sort of extension of myself I'd be able to look back on, but as I looked back on all my posts I realised how I'd been putting forward this edited and subdued version of myself, which is exactly what I didn't want to do! I know it's not like there's a truckton of y'all reading, but more than anything this blog is for ME, and how can I enjoy blogging when I'm not being ME?
I took a break, which then lead to a sort of "purge" of quite a few social media platforms I had been using. I got to this point where I actually despised social media, and how everything felt so fake and pointless, but then I realised how social media and such isn't itself all that bad - how we use it is what determines it's power. Hippy-dippy shit, I know, but hear me out: a lot of social media out there is pretty damn empty, let's be real. They're not promoting positivity and more often than not, it leaves people feeling unfulfilled. I know I've had my fair share of moments where I'm chilling at my desk chowing down on pasta watching these super fit girls go on amazing adventures some cosmetic company payed for and just felt like I was missing out on life or that I'm almost behind in life! Social media isn't some evil power, but if you look at it the wrong way and let it get into your head, it can have a pretty gnarly effect on you. All those people posting pictures and videos, they're real people who probably have just as many issues and insecurities - majority of the time all we're seeing is one split second into their life that has been edited and refined. I don't think anybody really goes onto Instagram or Facebook with the intent to make others jealous or feel inferior - they just want to put forward the best, most appealing representation of their life they can and there is nothing wrong with that. Just don't forget that at the end of the day, your life is yours and just because somebody is leading their life in a different way, that doesn't take away from your life or happiness.

Well that was on heck of a tangent! What I'm really trying to say is that even though I went through a period of not enjoying social media, I've sort of switched gears on how I see it because it's sort of up to everybody to make it a positive experience. I love YouTube and Instagram and Tumblr, but I want to do my best to present myself as true to life as possible and to make sure I only leave positivity in my wake on such platforms.
WOW I am absolutely horrible at getting to the point! The. point. is.
I think I'm going to try my hand at blogging again, but as ME. I'm not sure how long this will go for - perhaps I'll post a bit then get bored again, who knows! But for now I'm excited to start having a place to put all my thoughts and interests.

Not sure exactly how riveting this will be for you all, but as the Camp Rock classic states:
"This is real, this me!"

So, buckle up kiddos (how fuckin' cheesy was that?! Grade A material right there!)!

xo, Aubrey